The graduate school application process is slowly becoming a mild obsession. I am afraid that under great distress, I turn into this obsessive beast incapable of anything kind of reason. I wake up thinking about my applications and personal statements which I truly hate. I have been so afraid of failure that I have never attempted to do anything in life. This is a result of me remembering every disappointment but always forgetting the great memories. I wonder if our minds are hardwired to remember what hurts us as an evolutionary defense against things that hurt? If this is the case then a good life could be measured in remembering the things that make life worth it!
Aside from the biological determinism behind my graduate school applications, I am scared shittless. I wish I believed in Jesus.
So, bell hooks challenges me on my own internalized oppression. Usually when I read her work, I have these strong feelings of mistrust that are centered around what I think are her apologist feelings toward men. I feel she defends men in a way that is very heteronormative and undercuts some forms of radical feminism. While this may have some kind of value in some spaces, my mistrust in her is centered around my own negation of myself as a male/man. Her attempts to create spaces for men to go through their own transformations challenges a lot of the absolutist style of thinking I have around men, maleness, and masculinity. This brings up a very crucial question; Do I fully respect myself or do I dislike who I am? I really have to applaud bell hooks for not giving up on men and men who still operate within patriarchy masculinity. Also, An example of this is Audre Lorde’s conversation with James Baldwin in Essence Magazine. Some real bizarre shit happens where James Baldwin’s male privileged creeps out! and Audre handles it in a way that I feel is right and so so so needed. In short, folks can chat with us(self-identified men) about what is going on with ourselves but we(self-identified men)need to learn how to feel for ourselves.
It is hard being honest with how I feel about myself. It is hard asking really tough questions and it is even harder answering back with some truth. The longer I went without asking myself those questions the more I became estranged from the social activities of everyday life. Not to say that my duty in life was to engage in the ritualistic nortions of what a 27 year should be doing, but overtime I became an expert at taking time for myself. I find this to be perfectly fine but instead of making some progress, I dwelled in the negative validation I created rather than work on my shit.
For the longest time, I thought I could procrastinate my way to positive mental health but while listening to a Kimya Dawson line “I got good at feeling bad.” I realized through Kimya Dawson own honesty I had come to be a champ at feeling bad. Feel bad is healthy sometimes. Yet unlike Kimya, I wasn’t being proactive with these feelings. I just sat, sat, and sat. I didn’t produce a bad song, eat vegan ice cream, or cry while watching others take part in life. Instead, I dwelled on my mortality, colonization, played video games and drank a bottle of Jack! There was a certain genetic nostalgia that was very familiar to me when I was in my room. I started to know these feelings all to well and realize a person very close to me did this same type of self deprecation for years. It was one thing to feel like I was alone in this process but to know that people I love go through this was maddening. One thing form e to be a certain type of loose but it kills me to see people I care about not living the lives they want to live. So, I took a shot of Tennessee whiskey, Shaved off the beard, Stopped playing NBA2k13 and Called my mama. This was the phone conversation:
Me: Mama, we aint no punks!
Mama: That’s right baby, I didn’t raise any punks!
Me: Mama let’s fuck shit up and smash Patriarchy!!!
Mama: That’s Right!!!
I got off my ass and started to work! This was the most apparent result!
I didn’t know how large I was till I saw this picture at company event.
Me a few days ago after loosing 50+ pounds!